Redefining Expectations: Finding Freedom in What’s Realistic

“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.”
— Anne Lamott

We all carry an internal list — often created by our younger selves — full of expectations about who we “should” be, what our life “should” look like, and where we “should” be by now. And those expectations? They are usually unrealistic, unspoken, and rooted in fantasy rather than wisdom.

If Charles Dickens wrote Great Expectations, my life’s book at times could have been titled Failed Expectations. Not out of negativity — but out of honesty. Many of the expectations I placed on myself were never realistic. No amount of caffeine could have made them happen, though I certainly tried.

When Expectations Become Shame or Resentment

Unmet expectations tend to fall into two categories:

1. Expectations of ourselves → which often trigger internal shame

2. Expectations of others → which often turn into resentment

Shame, when our expectations of ourselves aren’t met, adds to the invisible pile we hide from others. The bigger the pile, the higher the emotional wall — and the more isolated we feel.

Resentment, when others don’t meet our expectations (spoken or unspoken), builds quietly until it erupts unexpectedly.

After the year we’ve all walked through, none of us need more shame. And we certainly don’t need more isolation.

Have Your Expectations Changed This Year?

Many people I work with are realizing that their expectations — of life, work, relationships, and even their own capacity — have shifted dramatically. Sometimes due to constraints… and sometimes due to comparison with whatever their “bubble” or social media feed is doing.

But before reevaluating expectations, you first need to know what yours actually are.

A Simple Exercise to Uncover Your Expectations

Take a blank sheet of paper.
Write “EXPECTATIONS” in the middle.
Then let your thoughts spill out:

• What comes to mind first?

• What areas of life feel heavy?

• What do you assume you should be doing?

• What do you believe you “should” have accomplished by now?

You may be surprised by what appears.

Step Two — Assess: Realistic or Not?

Once the page is full, examine each item:

• Is this realistic?

• Is it something I can control?

• Is this coming from me or from comparison?

Trying to lose 25 pounds before a May vacation?
Planning to launch an e-course (but don’t yet know the topic)?
Hoping for a relationship to magically change without communication?

Some expectations will clearly be unrealistic.
Others fall into the category of “possible, but not right now.”

If you’re unsure, ask:
Is it in my control? Or out of my control?

Focusing on what you can control frees up emotional energy — and reduces resentment and shame.

Your Worth Is Not Tied to Your Expectations

This is the part we often forget.

Your worth is not based on:

• What you accomplish

• How much you get done

• How many goals you meet

• What others think of your progress

You have worth right now, without losing the 25 pounds, launching the course, or meeting any external timeline.

You are enough today — with unmet goals, unfinished projects, and imperfect progress.

If Shame or Expectations Are Holding You Back — Let’s Talk

Unrealistic expectations create a distorted version of who we “should” be.
But none of those expectations determine your worth.

If you’re struggling to embrace your value exactly as you are — you don’t have to figure it out alone. We can work together to untangle the expectations that no longer serve you and build a foundation grounded in truth and self-compassion.

If perfectionism is feeding your unrealistic expectations, the Perfectionism Workbook can help you identify unhelpful beliefs and develop healthier, more grounded expectations.

Send Me a Copy

Loading...

I’m in—send the good stuff

Send Me a Copy

Loading...

You're In!

The Perfectionism Workbook is on its way to your inbox—give it a few minutes to show up. If it plays hide-and-seek, check your spam or promotions folder.

This is your first step toward loosening perfectionism’s grip—and creating a version of success that doesn’t burn you out. You’ve got this.